Santa Claus

After eons of giving. After eons of spreading joy. After eons of not expecting anything in return. I need help.

The reindeer have long since died. I ate them. Hell, I need to eat. You greedy and polluting little fuckers wouldn’t help Santa out during the great climate change that melted all the snow of the North Pole when I lost my home, factories and elves.

That’s right. All the elves died. They drowned in the ocean. I tried to save a few with my sleigh, but Rudolf could only pull me to safety.

Now, you want some cheer and happiness. Well, tough shit spoiled little fuckers. I lost all happiness and cheer after roasting Rudolf over an open fire because I can’t find work in United States of Eden™.

Yes, that’s right. After eons of giving and working in the North Pole I can’t work in the United States of Eden™ because I am not a legal citizen.

Thanks, and fuck you.